Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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