I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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