Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
so much tequila, so little girl.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
