My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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