cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
