No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
