i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
