A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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