I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
