The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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