ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
