Did you just see the Batmobile???
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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