No awkward lesbian experiences without me
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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