Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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