WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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