At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
