yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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