My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
