Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
