Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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