tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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