I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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