so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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