Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
