There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
