We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
