I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
