That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
