Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
