I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
