I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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