I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
