it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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