around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We left the knife in your bed.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
