i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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