I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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