Screwed.edu
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
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