I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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