Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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