My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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