I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
