if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
