Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
