Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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