He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
