i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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