I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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