My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
