it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize