The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
