my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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