i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
