I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
