My sheets look like a crime scene.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
