I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
