I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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