There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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