I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Everything about him screamed your future.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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