ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
