The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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