I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
