rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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